How do you respect your children?

I didn’t tell my mom about my first kiss. I reveled in it, as small as it was, and kept it to myself for an entire day before I confessed. She was excited for me. At eighteen, I was technically old enough to start a serious relationship according to the boundaries my parents set. Mom and I were unsure of what our relationship would be like. Keeping that kiss a secret gave me the sense of autonomy and freedom that any teenager desires, but it was only a small step towards real self government.

It wasn’t until years later that I realized I didn’t have to include her in my relationships at all. For my teenage years and early twenties, I faithfully reported to her my romantic interests. If she saw red flags, she would casually warn me.

“I’m concerned about this guy. He’s manipulating your emotions to get what he wants, even if it’s unintentional.”

“What do you mean? He is so nice.”

“Just look at how he did this and this…. But don’t take my word for it. Look for it yourself. If this relationship works out, you could be disappointed.” I took that to mean she would be disappointed if it did.

This conversation was usually followed by a whirlwind of confusion and doubt where I lost sleep at night worried about the decision I had to make. I idolized her opinion and took it as the gold standard. But it was impossible for any relationship to work out with a third party involved.

It is hard for me to say if my parents had such a strong influence in other aspects of my life. They probably did. Everyone is impacted by how they were raised. It took me a long time to realize that they didn’t need to make my decisions.

Allowing myself the ability to choose has given me confidence and higher self esteem. Autonomy, or the freedom to act out on your own violation, is a basic psychological need. Encyclopedia of Personality and Individual Differences It is also one of the basic gifts from God and without it, people would not be able to learn or progress. Agency and Accountability 

But even though humans are born with this gift, it does not mean that they are born ready to make decisions. Full autonomy comes slowly. This is the dilemma of all parents: balancing freedom with limitations. Going to either extreme has proven to have harmful effects on children. The Only Parenting Model You Need For some parents, it takes years to find the correct balance. This kind of parenting has boundaries and expectations, but also love and empathy. Balance comes when there is mutual respect and understanding.

Respect the Child’s Autonomy

Babies and children have two basic psychological needs: autonomy and security. According to the work of John Bowlby, an English psychiatrist from the 1930s, a child needs to experience a “warm intimate, and continuous relationship with [their caregiver] in which both find satisfaction and enjoyment.” Throughout many studies, he noticed that babies with a secure base and positive interactions with a caregiver were mentally healthy. In this kind of environment, babies are “confident in their mother’s ability to handle [their own] feelings” and the babies are “free to express positive and negative feelings openly”. What is a Secure Attachment? And Why Doesn’t “Attachment Parenting” Get You There?

This looks like a safe home environment where the baby can feel love. They aren’t surprised with unmanaged emotions or any kind of abuse. Their environment and schedule are steady and predictable. Their basic physical needs are always met and they are allowed to express their feelings without repercussions.

Showing Respect to a Young Child

Young children understand their own intrinsic worth as their parents respect them. Respect is felt as they are valued as a human being and understood emotionally.

According to Maria Montessori, an Italian physician and educator, “Children are human beings to whom respect is due, superior to us by reason of their innocence and of the greater possibilities of their future… Let us treat them with all the kindness which we would wish to help to develop in them.”

There are many ways to show this respect towards children, including speaking to them as if they were an adult, allowing them time to learn, or allowing time to manage emotions. Parents or caregivers need to really listen, look them in the eye, and understand where they are coming from. It is all about empathy. Here is a List of How to Respect Your Child with specific examples for young children.

Respect also comes when parents recognize that children are able to do things for themselves. As they help children develop the capacity to be autonomous, their natural respect towards themselves and others increases. When they are allowed to make their own decisions, they will become more confident in themselves.

I am preparing to enter the so-called “Terrible Twos” with my young daughter. I wish they weren’t called that, but I understand where it comes from. When she gets frustrated or angry, I try to shift my mindset. She is learning how to deal with her feelings and unmet expectations. I give her time to calm down, offer physical comfort, and ask her calmly if she is having a hard time. Sometimes I try to distract her or make her laugh. I say, “I know you are feeling upset. You really wanted to do that. But you can’t do that right now.” I know I won’t always be able to be patient, but for the most part, I want her to feel that I respect her feelings. I hope I can say, as Nicole does in this blog, that I love two year olds. “They are amazing,” she says, “curious, exploring, tiny humans. They have so many unique ideas and are open to so many possibilities. They are opinionated, they are passionate, they are truly at such an amazing time in human development.” https://www.thekavanaughreport.com/2019/08/i-do-not-believe-in-terrible-twos.html

Respect the Teenager’s Autonomy

I don’t presume to know what it is like to have a teenager, but I can’t help but share the information that I found in regard to this notoriously difficult time of life. This is what I gleaned from Teenagers might have a problem with respect, but it’s not the one you think

Teenagers need a sense of autonomy even more than children. It can come on suddenly and may surprise the parent or caregiver. They have an innate need to see that their actions are meaningful. They also need a sense of security. This happens not from being constantly around their primary caregiver, as they did as a child, but knowing that caregiver is empathetic and understanding.

Maria Montessori said that the basic needs of the teenager were protections during their physical transition and an understanding of the society they will enter. She says that independence must be acquired and that the caregiver must help them do it alone. (From Childhood to Adolescence, p. 60, 67)

“It is better to treat an adolescent as if he had greater value than he actually shows…”

Maria Montessori

“The adolescent must never be treated as a child,” Montessori emphasized, “for that is a stage of life that he has surpassed. It is better to treat an adolescent as if he had greater value than he actually shows than as if he had less and let him feel that his merits and self-respect are disregarded.” (From Childhood to Adolescence, p. 72)

Showing Respect to a Teenager

It is not encouraged to be overly permissive in this stage of development. Limits and boundaries must exist, but one study showed that teenagers respond positively if they are allowed to express themselves without feeling threatened. Even if they are not allowed to make a decision, the fact that they are validated for their feelings and opinions helps them to feel autonomous.

Some ideas on how to achieve this are to practice active and reflective listening, see the desire for autonomy as a sign of maturity, and increase responsibility along with increased freedoms. See this article above for more ideas and books on the subject.

Teenagers need to be allowed to successfully manage part of their lives. If they feel over controlled or coerced they will see themselves as less able and less trustworthy. If an adult does too much for their teenager, they will see themselves as not competent. Teens who have a secure relationship with their primary caregiver have greater independence and are likely to have secure attachments in romantic relationships later in life. What is a Secure Attachment? And Why Doesn’t “Attachment Parenting” Get You There?

One night, I decided to not tell my mom about a date I went on. I was in between semesters at college and I came home to find her on the couch. She liked being available for her daughters, and I have appreciated it through the years. But this night was different. Nothing bad had happened, but she just didn’t need to know.

“How are you?” I knew she wanted to know more.

“Good.” I said. “ I had a nice night.” And I went to my room. Guilt washed over me for excluding her, but I was finally confident enough in my own self to decide who I wanted to date. I didn’t want her influence in this.

Respecting the Parents

I have learned that when my mom was a teenager and young adult, she went through some very difficult relationships. She was trying to protect me from the heartache that she had.

As I think about those years, I am not angry about my mom’s involvement. Taking the time to consider where my parents’ came from helps me to understand how they raised me. In some ways, my mom was able to be my best friend growing up. There were times when I called her my only friend. To me, that’s successful parenting. But when it came time to fly the coop, I had to make my own way out. I learned to make my own decisions.

But that doesn’t mean I reject my mother. Respect goes both ways and I have learned to appreciate the way that both my parents raised me. They taught me in the best way they knew how to be a successful and happy adult. And I have to say, they did a remarkably good job.