Why do LDS women have to stay at home?

A friend of mine, a woman with two teenage children, tried to stop working. She quit her job, let her husband go to work and stayed home with her boys. And she hated it. I think she missed the mental stimulus and the associations she had at work. When my friend went back to work, some people who knew her criticized her for leaving her children because of counsel from church leaders. If some people are meant for work, why does the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints encourage women to stay at home, to be homemakers, and to care for children? Gordon B. Hinckley, a president of the church, even said once, “It is well-nigh impossible to be a full-time homemaker and a full-time employee.” While those people at church were not right to criticize my friend, were they right in that my friend should have stayed at home?

Are all Latter-day Saint women required to stay at home while men work?

The short answer: Women do not have to stay at home. Women who have children are encouraged to care for them the best they can, which often means being at home. But if working is needed for either financial, mental, or emotional reasons, that is okay as long as the children are given the parental attention they need. Women have been encouraged to stand as righteous disciples of Jesus Christ, to be educated where possible, and to make a difference in their communities. When they have children, they are asked to care for them and, according to each situation, nurture them in the Gospel of Christ. I believe the line in the Family Proclamation that says, “… circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation” was not an extra line or an afterthought. It is essential. With that in mind, let’s consider why mothers are counseled to stay at home. The Family a Proclamation to the World

Should a parent stay home with children?

As I began to research this topic, I found that there have been many studies about working women. In a short amount of time, I found at least 50 articles and studies that address the issue of women working and I probably could have found more. In these articles it is clear that children and adolescents can suffer from stress and other emotional problems when their parents are not around. 

Babies and toddlers are more stressed when not with their own parents

There could be many arguments for and against day-care vs home-care for children. A few studies done by the Society for Research in Child Development took a careful look at stress levels in babies and toddlers in these different care systems by measuring cortisol levels in bodily fluids. Cortisol is “nature’s built-in alarm system. It’s your body’s main stress hormone. It works
with certain parts of your brain to control your mood, motivation, and fear.” (What is Cortisol?) High levels of cortisol are usually caused by stress and can affect weight, acne, irritability, and blood pressure.

Some studies about the cortisol level in small children have shown that they increase in stress when they are in a day-care system. One said that spending more time in a day-care system caused the children to be more anxious, angry, and aggressive Study 1. But another said, “the mother’s sensitivity and the family’s socioeconomic status had a greater influence on children’s behavior than did the amount of time spent in child care.” Study 2

Adolescents are more likely to suffer with emotional issues when time is not spent with parents

In several studies, done on emotional and academic issues in adolescents with regard to time spent with parents, we can see that the older a child gets, the more they are impacted with parental time. Time spent eating together “decreases… behavior problems and depressive symptoms” Study 3. More time spent with parents and their adolescent children causes “fewer delinquent behaviors” in adolescents Study 4.

An interesting study in Norway can help us to see that 10 year-olds who have a parent at home “obtained a 1.2 increase in the grade point average.” While their results did show an actual increase in GPA, they did state that “this analysis is suggestive” and there could be other reasons for this increase. This could be true about all the studies I have mentioned. There is always room for error or for other factors, especially when dealing with something as variable as the human body. However, there have been many studies done on the subject, which in some way or another lead to the same fact: children and adolescents who have time at home and with parents have emotional struggles and a better chance of achieving greater success. The sheer number of studies done about this can help validate their claims: Being at home with at least one parent can significantly reduce stress levels in children of all ages. Study 5

What does the church say?

I also looked at most conference talks given since 1973 that had anything to do with motherhood or fatherhood. About 65% of them said nothing about whether or not the mother should be at home. The rest either said that the mother can choose or that it was encouraged for her to be at home. Only one said she was “expected” to be at home. In 1987, President Ezra Taft Benson said, “In a home where there is an able-bodied husband, he is expected to be the breadwinner…. [W]e urge the husband to do all in his power to allow his wife to remain in the home caring for the children while he continues to provide for his family the best he can, even though the job he is able to secure may not be ideal and family budgeting may have to be tighter.” To the Fathers in Israel (Emphasis added)

Even though many talks in the past 50 years have not directly commented on the subject, I think it is important to understand what the few who do are saying. Emphasis added on all.

• “[D]o all in your power to allow your wife to remain in the home” Howard W. Hunter Being Righteous Husband and Father
• “As the prophets have counseled, to the extent possible with the help of the Lord, as parents, work together to keep Mother in the home. Your presence there will strengthen the self-confidence of your children and decrease the chance of emotional challenges. Moreover, as you teach truth by word and example, those children will come to understand who they are and what they can obtain as divine children of Father in Heaven.” Richard G. Scott The Joy of Living the Plan of Happiness
• “I hope that if you are employed full-time you are doing it to ensure that basic needs are met and not simply to indulge a taste for an elaborate home, fancy cars, and other luxuries. The greatest job that any mother will ever do will be in nurturing, teaching, lifting, encouraging, and rearing her children in righteousness and truth. None other can adequately take her place.” – Gordon B. Hinkley Women of the Church
• “That is one of the many reasons so much of the responsibility for teaching the child in the home falls on mothers. While circumstances do vary and the ideal isn’t always possible, I believe it is by divine design that the role of motherhood emphasizes the nurturing and teaching of the next generation.” L Tom Perry Mothers Teaching Children in the Home

Although these all encourage mothers to be allowed to stay at home with the children, none are discouraging women to leave the workforce forever. They are only encouraging them to prioritize teaching and influencing their children.

If we go back to the basics of our purpose here on earth, it becomes even more clear. God’s goal is to bring His children back to Him. Because of this, the family is the number one priority. As parents, it is our essential duty to be sure that children “understand who they are and what they can obtain as divine children of Father in Heaven” as Elder Scott said above.  Boyd K. Packer said, “through the righteous exercise of this [procreative] power, we may come close to our Father in Heaven and experience a fulness of joy, even godhood. The power of procreation is not an incidental part of the plan; it is the plan of happiness; it is the key to happiness.” He continued to say “The end of all activity in the Church is to see that a man and a woman with their children are happy at home, sealed for eternity.” The Plan of Happiness 

Divine Roles

The Family, A Proclamation to the World says, “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.” These roles are part of our divine nature and are innate in each of us in some form or another. Women have some innate capacity to nurture that manifests itself in different ways. This does not mean she has to stay at home and never work. It means she is responsible for nurturing her children the best way she can. 

Many church leaders encourage mothers to stay at home because of this. It is important to prioritize the children and their spiritual, physical, and mental growth. Work can take a mother away from her children for long periods of time. President Benson at one point encouraged mothers to, “leave their employment and give their individual time to their children.” Children thrive with individual attention and it is hard to give that attention when not in their lives. Women of the Church

Should a Latter-day Saint mother work?

Some of the best nurturing can take place in the home with the mother present, but it is not a mandate that women only stay at home. Each mother can decide how best to care for their children. If that requires her to work, that is great as long as she can prioritize her children while doing so. Each woman can prayerfully decide how best to fulfill these roles while keeping the nurturing of the children as a priority. 

I recently heard of one lady who felt inspired by God to have a large family. I think it was 8 kids. She was also inspired to go and get her MBA and start a career that involved her speaking to many people. She said that God has strengthened her so she can manage all of that without minimizing the time spent with her kids.

Whatever roles a woman decides to take, loving and caring for others will help her to become like God and to love as He loves. Last year President Eyring said, “While I do not know all the Lord’s reasons for giving primary responsibility for nurturing in the family to faithful sisters, I believe it has to do with your capacity to love. It takes great love to feel the needs of someone else more than your own.” Women and Gospel Learning in the Home 

I love what Elder M. Russell Ballard said in 2008, “There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. Many are able to be “full-time moms,” at least during the most formative years of their children’s lives, and many others would like to be. Some may have to work part-or full-time; some may work at home; some may divide their lives into periods of home and family and work. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else.” M. Russell Ballard Daughters of God

Being a mother comes with all kinds of sacrifices. Sacrificing personal needs and wants requires great love. It can come in the form of delaying a career to care for children. It can also be the sacrifice of personal time so that work and spending quality time with children are possible. I believe that mothers who are in the financial position to stay at home should carefully and prayerfully consider the impact going to work will have on their children. It is a very hard and personal decision. It will be different for everyone. If working (part- or full-time) still seems like the best option, for whatever reason, then prioritizing time with the children is essential. Balancing home and work can be possible if we rely on God. If staying at home is the right thing, it is important to use that time to teach the Gospel to the children. Either way, remember that this sacrifice will be a blessing and can help us become more like our Savior, Jesus Christ. God will enable us to do all that he has in store for us.

---

“Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.” The Family, A Proclamation to the World also states

“We need women who are organized and women who can organize. We need women with executive ability who can plan and direct and administer; women who can teach, women who can speak out… We need women with the gift of discernment who can view the trends in the world and detect those that, however popular, are shallow or dangerous.” Boyd K. Packer The Relief Society

“Today, let me add that we need women who know how to make important things happen by their faith and who are courageous defenders of morality and families in a sin-sick world. We need women who are devoted to shepherding God’s children along the covenant path toward exaltation” Russell M. Nelson A Plea to My Sisters